I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
