Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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