I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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