dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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