I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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