You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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