So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
