Soap is not a condiment
Duck Duck Cougar?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
If I had your ass I would rule the world
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
