Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Randomize
