***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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