PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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