I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
don't judge my taste in strippers
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
