He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
