every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
