Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
