There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
