Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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