my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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