Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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