he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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