hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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