watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
