It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
