Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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