Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I came so hard my ears popped.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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