I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
