my phone needs a breathalizer
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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