i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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