so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
this is an emotional support booty call
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
