I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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