You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
All I want is dick and wine.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
