I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
