Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
