If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
