Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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