i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
