you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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