My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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