I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
