So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm having to shit out rocks
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
