You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
