My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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