Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
