The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
