I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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