Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
