handjob tips. give me some.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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