I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
