I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She announced her abortion via fbk
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
