I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
