I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
