I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
