I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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