Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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