I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
